No Right or Wrong

A little over three years ago, Evie’s remains were buried in the cemetery next to her old junior school, and just a few yards from her Poppa. Her gravestone is a beautiful and fitting memorial to the special girl that she had become. Each week we go and see her and both of us read her a poem for that day of the year. We take presents, flowers and of course, painted rocks.

For me, her grave is an anchor, a place where her physical remains live and I suppose in some way it is a tangible connection to her. I could never move away from the area, because that would feel like I was abandoning her. In the same way that I feel so strongly connected to this house. Evie was born here and she died here. Patsy doesn’t feel that same connection to her grave. It is one of those examples of how people grieve differently, how different places or events have different meanings. Neither of us is right or wrong, it just ‘is’. I suppose in some way, we buried her because that is what people do.

So after a lot of discussion, we are starting the process to bring her home. Have her here with us once again. There is the usual mountain of paperwork to go through, and some of her remains will have to stay in the grave for us to retain the plot. So why do I feel lost? I should be glad to have her home again. Why do I feel an intense sadness? Confusing, and what I feel right now is truly unknown. I don’t know what I feel. Relief? Confusion? Loss all over again. The pain of her death. Patsy is clear on her feelings. I can’t get to the bottom of it. I have no previous experience to call on to help me figure it out. I will only know what it feels like when she gets here; if she gets here. It may be that it isn’t possible.

I’m throwing this one out there, simply as a way of forcing my brain to think it through as I write this down. The writing helps me to process it, understand what my head is thinking and my heart is feeling as I re-read and amend it. At the moment, there is an incredible sadness floating around me as all of those feelings around her death and burial are revived. The body armour is on and I’m ready for battle all the time. I’ve talked to Evie about it of course, asked her openly what she thinks. For me, I simply don’t know. I’m not confused about bringing her home, but rather about how I am going to feel when she is here. Maybe I am sub-consciously protecting myself against the council refusing permission. Maybe I will feel ‘complete' again when she is home? Maybe that quite literal missing piece of the puzzle will slot into place? I’m not looking for advice on how to deal with this, just trying to understand myself. Trying to make sense of how I feel about it.

There’s no right or wrong answer here, just the chance to have my girl back home again. And that can’t be wrong.