A Bit of a Meander

Writing this blog has always been cathartic in a way. It has helped me to understand the whirling nonsense that often inhabits my world following Evie’s death, but sadly, I haven’t been able to dedicate as much time to writing as I would like. Unusually, I am starting this one without a theme in mind. I am just going to write and see where it leads, meandering along exploring things as they pop into my head.

I did a short 11 mile training walk today around Avebury; much shorter, and indeed slower, than originally planned as it was too hot to go blasting around the countryside for the heck of it. I figured out a long time ago that I have nothing to prove to anyone, least of all myself, so why push too hard and risk injury when I only have 5 or 6 weeks to go until the Ultra hike? Not long after Evie died I found myself pushing hard trying to understand what had happened and how I could fix it. The whole process was incredibly self-destructive and thankfully I stopped. When we drive ourselves on, there is usually something underlying it that is the root cause, and unless we can understand that cause then we can blindly push on and do real damage to ourselves and those around us. For me back in 2018 it was simple, I am task driven and my life experience was telling me that if I broke the problem of Evie’s death down into its component parts, fixed each in turn, put it all back together again, then hey presto, Evie would be back. Impossible of course, but understanding the issue at its root allowed me to find the right help - sertraline.

But what I also found back then was that very few people were prepared to be honest with me. Many could see what was happening, but only one or two had the courage to say something. Most took the easy path and either ignored it, or just uttered sympathetic noises. It’s all part of that fear of upsetting people. The truth is hard to hear sometimes, but ignoring it can be hugely damaging.

Today’s walk was spectacularly beautiful, in blazing sunshine and as always Evie and I chatted away here and there about all sorts of things. Three and a half hours of peace and quiet, seeing only a handful of other people, a few polite ‘good morning’s and not a lot else. I hadn’t planned the route, just started out, drifted along and just waited to see where I ended up. I don’t normally like unplanned routes, and particularly not circular ones. I much prefer a straight line with a destination, it gives me the drive to get it completed. But today somehow it worked. No idea why but it did.

So I got home and decided to write, so here I am and just like today’s hike, there’s no plan, just a meander along and I’ll see where I end up.

On the news on the way home, I heard that the Royal London had finally withdrawn life support to Archie Battersby. The press has been full of comments on both sides about how it should or shouldn’t be handled. The thing that struck me the most is that, and this is thoroughly untested, those making the decisions haven’t the faintest idea of how their decision will impact on a parent. Unless you have lived it, you are blindly ignorant of the world of pain that is descending on them. I’m not going to take sides here as that isn’t appropriate, but of those of you reading this, I can guarantee that only those who are bereaved parents will be able to stand in his parents’ shoes. And I wouldn’t mind betting that most bereaved parents will be quiet on the matter too, knowing that there is no positive outcome no matter what happens. The world that we inhabit is so different from everyone else’s.

As I have said and written many times, Evie’s death brought the world into sharp focus. It brought a type of clarity. It has allowed me to sit back and watch as the Conservative Party imploded and we saw politician after politician place their own interests ahead of everything else, scrambling for places in the rapidly crumbing cabinet, only to jump ship a few short hours later when they woke up to the fact that they would go down with the ship if they stayed aboard; no matter what your political leanings you have to ask ‘whatever happened to loyalty’? Now two candidates, supposedly from the same political mindset are ripping into each other in a public slanging match that looks like it belongs on the other side of the Atlantic. What would Evie make of it all? I think that she would be confused and appalled in equal measure. Politicians, local or national, too often use others to their own advantage and move on when it suits them. A sad indictment of life as we know it, lacking clarity or vision, taking decisions based on limited experience of life or real people and how their decisions will reach into society. You can’t learn life from a lecture or a book or a University degree, you have to live it. Our experiences define who we become, how strong we are and how we face challenges. Our experiences give us the framework upon which we hang the difference between right and wrong, the ability to understand others and most importantly, grasp the concept of the ‘greater good’. It’s why I will never enter politics as it is too easy to lose your way and forget that your sole purpose is to help others, not yourself.

Which kind of brings me back to today’s hike. On 10 September I will be hiking 60 miles in under 24 hours and that needs a lot of training. Today, I really could have done with stretching to 30 miles as part of the build-up, but I realised quite early, because experience had taught me, that it was too hot and the most likely end result would be injury and dehydration. So I cut it short at 11.2 miles and will pick up the distance another time. I listened to the inner voice that quietly said “you’ve got this covered”. Maybe I will head out early tomorrow before it gets too hot? Maybe I won’t. We all have the inner voice and we instinctively know when the path that we have chosen is wrong or maybe is hurting others. It’s the listening part that matters though. We all make mistakes, but how we deal with them afterwards is what is important. Our decisions as individuals or politicians have impacts and consequences, so we have to be prepared to pay the price of what we decide. For Rishi and Liz, their policies will affect each and every one of us. For us as individuals the blast radius is smaller, but no less important. Evie was always very aware of those around her. She had an uncommon empathy that so many lack. Not sympathy, empathy, they are very different. I sat at her grave today on my way home and asked her what was going on in the world and did she have any words of wisdom. I’m waiting for an answer or a sign.