Staying Connected

Wednesday Wisdom

Staying connected.  Finding ways to stay connected to Evie is extremely important to me. We talked about it at our last support group meeting, and a common set of connections came out.  Patsy has a pendant with Evie’s fingerprint on it which she wears every day, and subconsciously holds it during the day; I have the same thing but on a key fob.  Photos of Evie are everywhere in the house.  Her bedroom is as she left it the day we went on holiday to Spain in October 2017: we go in there all the time.  Other parents that I know hold or even wear their child’s clothes as a metaphoric comfort blanket.  We listen to Evie’s music.  But these are physical things, not emotional.  How do you stay connected in an emotional sense?

I talk to Evie a lot, especially when I am hiking.  I say ‘Good Morning Pickle’ and ‘Good Night Pickle’ every day.  We light a candle for her every evening, even when on holiday, and also light a candle in every church that has them.  Simple things like ‘Photo Saturday’ on Facebook maintain a connection and also ensure that her memory is out there for all to see.  In a way, this WW process does something similar.  We have tried to stay in contact with her schools, but the change of heads at both has weakened that connection a little.

But how do you ‘feel’ close again?  It is something that I have tried to work out for a long time, but never quite managed.  There have been times when I have sensed her presence in some way, but those times have been infrequent.  Without doubt I want her near me again, but don’t really know how to achieve that in an emotional sense.  I have toyed with the idea of visiting a medium but haven’t yet done anything about it.  I have read others’ experiences of these visits on Facebook and there seems to be a full spectrum of results: good, bad and awful.  My rational self says it’s a waste of time, my emotional need says that it might just give me some form of reassurance. But at heart I am ultra-cynical, so it could end up being a lose-lose situation because even if I hear the things that I am so desperate to hear, I won’t believe them. 

As time passes, more of the nice memories come back, forcing their way through the painful ones, though at this time of year as we approach all of the 2-year anniversaries, they are struggling a bit.  I still haven’t worked out how to feel like a Dad again, and for me that is at the core of the emotional connection. 

Answers on a postcard please.