You Never Truly Appreciate Something Until It's Gone

Now you might think I’m referring to Evie here, or a person. But I’m not.

I started counselling a few months after Evie died. For the first 4 months it was every week, and after that it has been once a fortnight with odd interruptions. But now the face to face counselling has stopped, and today it’s almost 4 weeks since the last session. And it feels really odd. Being truly honest with myself and the counsellor is absolutely crucial for me to challenge what is rattling around my head. She challenges me to think, to dig and understand the ‘why’ as well as the ‘what’. I don’t get that talking to anyone else. I have missed that interaction, it kept me sharp.

Since Evie died we’ve never really gone out to dinner because it just felt wrong without her here to go with us, yet now that I can’t do it due to the travel restrictions and the restaurants being closed, all I want to do is go out for a bite to eat. I miss having someone else do the hard part.

Most of all though, I miss the freedom of being able to just nip out and see Evie when I felt low. It would get to mid-afternoon, I’d be flagging at work and I would simply jump in the car and go and see her for a few minutes. I’d read her a poem, have a chat and come home again. Being next to her grave is somehow being close to her. I can’t explain why, but it just is. Now I have to plan when I am going to see her, to tie it in with something else like shopping.

The virus has changed a lot in our lives for the next few months, and I for one am missing some of the basic freedoms that I took for granted before. The big stuff like holidays don’t matter in the least. The things that I miss the most are the little things.

So, tomorrow I’m going to give telephone counselling a go. Fifty minutes talking to my counsellor to see what it feels like and to see if it helps; is it better than nothing? It’ll lack the connection (sorry!) but it’s the next best thing as I hate Skype and Zoom. I’ll have to wait a wee while longer for dinner out.