Does a Death Re-Define You?

Wednesday Wisdom

Patsy and I were talking to the CLIC Sargent nurse that helped us to look after Evie while she was ill at home not long ago, and not surprisingly the topic of coping after the death came up. She related a story of another couple who had lost their son to cancer as well. Apparently, this couple had agreed very early on that they weren’t going to let his death ‘define’ them for the rest of their lives, or let it rule their lives.   They set time aside each week or month to do something for themselves.  At the time, I didn’t give the comments much thought, but now, looking back, I have had time to process it.

On reflection, I disagree with the sentiment, or at least would say that it wouldn’t work for me.  To me, at a practical level, if you have had to make a conscious decision to take an action because of the death, then by definition it has ‘defined’ your actions.  At a deeper level, Evie’s death was such a profound event that it MUST have defined me going forward whether I like it or not.  It has definitely changed my opinions, priorities and influences and how I deal with everyday events as well as the more important things. 

Perhaps I’m being a bit of a pedant in how I interpret the statement about it defining them as a couple, but the more I think about it, the more I feel that actually, acknowledging Evie’s death so openly is an act of love. It shows the world how much she meant to me, and continues to mean to me.  By not letting it ‘define’ me, it would feel like I was doing her a disservice somehow. It would imply that I had not been affected by it all.  The truth couldn’t be more different.

So, what does that mean?  It means that we are all so different that there is no right or wrong. Just whatever works for each of us. It also serves to highlight that we can’t always look to other bereaved parents for solutions. Just hints on what may or may not have worked. Our grief is 100% personal to us.