If It Hurts, Write it Down.

Wednesday Wisdom 2 Oct 19

Finding an outlet for the pain is absolutely vital for all of us that have lost a child.  Writing the WWs has proved to be incredibly helpful, but what surprised me was that writing the book that followed them was even more important for me.  The book has now gone to the publishers and I haven’t written anything substantial for several weeks, and I am now all too aware that I am missing it. I can feel the tension within me building again, the frustrations with minor problems and the pain of loss.  They all come together to make me feel ‘under attack’. 

Writing WWs has to be measured because of where they are posted, I always keep in mind who might be reading them and that they are available to all, not just the bereaved parents of the Compassionate Friends.  Writing the book was different, it was totally unfiltered.  I was able to use phrases and language that wouldn’t be appropriate on FB. And that is why the book was so liberating in emotional terms; I could unload everything, with nothing held back.  Now that I have finished the book, that route has closed so I had to find something else.  A thought from a friend, followed by a discussion with my counsellor has resulted in the blog.  It is now up and running (you may well actually be reading this on the blog!) and will also allow me to talk about other related topics that don’t sit within the conventional WW posts.

But I think I will still need to write another book as a pure form of release. I’ve said previously that grief can corrode you from the inside and I still believe that, so I need to get that ability to unload fully back.  I will have to start a second book soon, although I have no idea what form it might take. When I was writing Eggshells, I felt not only an emotional benefit but a physical one.  I can’t explain why, but having the ability to unload to an anonymous audience, yet knowing that it would be read by my friends made a huge difference to me.  Talking to my closest friends is hugely important but I still hold back, I’m not completely open with how I feel.  I always, and I suspect that we all do this, keep in mind that they have their own lives to lead and over time will find hearing the same comments from me to be “more of the same” – I’m even doing it now writing this, trying to find a form of words that expresses what I feel and think, but won’t offend.  By considering the needs of others, I don’t gain the fullest benefit from the act of writing.  I may even do something similar on the blog, but will have to see how that develops.  A second book will be better for me, although I have no idea what to write about yet. A cook book has been suggested but that won’t give me the outlet that I so desperately need.  I may well do both.

The important bit for me is that an outlet exists and that I have a route to unload the pain, frustrations and questions before they can do more damage.  I think that we all need something, some way to express what we feel in an open format that is honest.  Finding something relaxing is one thing, and that is a lovely distraction for a while, but getting rid of the corrosive part of the pain is much more important.