Here We Go Again!

There are 2 sides to the ‘here we go again’ part of this post - our 3 year anniversary of Evie’s death and Christmas. Both bring unique issues and problems. We been through both twice before, know what to expect and how others will react. How so many people will hide from us, denying the pain that we feel so deeply. Even worse, there are a select few that will seek to take advantage of it. But previous experience of Christmas and the anniversaries doesn’t make it easier, just a bit different. The ride through the 3-year anniversaries began on 12 Oct when we hit the anniversary of Evie’s first blinding headache and they will run through to 1 Feb when it is 3 years since her funeral when 470 people showed how loved she was. In the middle is Christmas. Each little milestone triggers a memory of that day and once again we relive the whole experience again.

I say ‘here we go again’ because it is all as inevitable and unavoidable as paying tax. For 12 Christmases, life was fun. Full of energy, laughter and Evie being so excited. On her last Christmas, we gave her a Christmas dinner and she had forgotten it all by the next day. She couldn’t remember the presents, the cards, the dinner. Nothing. So we did it again. She had her presents all over again and she got so upset because she couldn’t remember anything. And the next day she had forgotten again, the surgery and cancer had destroyed her short-term memory. This will be our third Christmas without her. It will be a day like any other but with more poignant tears. Our biggest decision now is whether to have curry or chilli for dinner.

On 2 Feb 21 after the anniversary of her funeral, we will relax a little and start to gather our strength ready for the next round which will begin again just 7 short months later with what should be her 17th birthday.

If you know someone that is nursing a broken heart because of the death of son or daughter, husband or wife, sibling, or mother or father, then please cut them some slack. Watching the world have a great time when there is a black hole in your heart is the hardest thing to do. I’m not after sympathy, just understanding. While you may be moaning that you can’t give Great Aunt Nelly a hug this Christmas because of Covid 19, some of us will NEVER hold our loved ones again, ever. Too many people are taken from us too soon. Too many vile people survive to do their worst while too many gentle, kind people are gone.

So for now, the body armour is on, the mask is in place and I will smile when you wish me a ‘Merry Christmas’ knowing full well that we will be alone, not through choice but through circumstance. We know that most people wish us ‘Happy Christmas’ simply because they don’t know what else to say. Some, sadly, just don’t stop and think because quite frankly they don’t care. Christmas for us and far too many others will never be ‘happy’. So how about trying something else for a change like “take care of yourself this Christmas”. Or …. “we will light a candle for Evie this Christmas”. It doesn’t take much effort, so give it a go. Show you care.

Looks like my angry phase is back again!