Isn't the Second Year Easier?

Evie died on 11 Jan 18 and we are now nearing the end of the second year without her. A year ago, I sat back and thought “well we’ve come through the first year, and experienced all of those ‘firsts’ so we know what is coming next year and can be ready for it, so it should be easier to get through”. I was very very wrong. Last week I met the most wonderful lady for a coffee who cared about Evie as much as any non-family member could. She had become so proud of Evie’s achievements and the kind person that she had grown into. We talked about loss, and how the second year without her had gone. It is quite different from the first year, and contradicted a lot of the perceived wisdom.

Most folks kind of assume that having gone through it all, the second year will be easier to carry. It hasn’t turned out that way at all for a number of reasons and in fact has been harder. The biggest reason is that it is just plain different. The ‘firsts’ keep coming from places that you don’t expect, and the ‘shock and awe’ of year one is replaced by realisation and affirmation that it isn’t a dream and you won’t wake up any time soon. In the first year, those significant dates came suddenly, hurt deeply, and then subsided again. This year, there has been a kind of ‘build-up’ to each in the 2 or 3 weeks beforehand. For me that has felt like a steady decline into depression, interspersed with a black sadness. Each time, I have come out the other side and headed back towards the new normal. In a way, having survived each one I know that I can survive the next and that does at least put a time limit on it.

The hardest part to deal with with is the realisation. The acknowledgement that it isn’t a dream after all and that it won’t change. Like many bereaved parents I spent a lot of time in that first year offering God my own soul in place of hers; a straight trade. That doesn’t happen so much now, but I would still gladly trade places with her. Firstly because she had a life to live, to contribute to society and would have been a fabulous person. But secondly, and selfishly, I just want the pain to end. There’s only so much you can absorb.

As we come towards the end of our second year without Evie, looking ahead to the third year, I don’t know what to expect. Will it be a repetition of the second or something else altogether? Will it be the beginning of a transition towards being at peace? I hope so. But I do know that it won’t be easy. The biggest question still remains unanswered. Why?

So I suppose looking into 2020, I can safely expect the unexpected, carry on looking for answers that don’t exist and pour my love into that little girl as I have always done.

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