Listen to Your Body

The last week has been weird, I’ve been incredibly tired amongst other things, fighting to think and work productively. But for once, I know exactly why.

On Wednesday last week we went to the funeral of a dear friend who had died far too young. For both Pats and I, it was the first time that we had been back to the crematorium since Evie’s own funeral and we reacted in completely different ways. Patsy got through it without any impact at all. She realised afterwards that during Evie’s funeral, she had been in shock, unaware of her surroundings and she didn’t even recognise the interior of the building. For me though, the effect was very different.

Almost immediately I felt uneasy being there. When the service began I locked down completely; I could feel a physical wall building around me, blocking everything out. All I could see was Patsy stood at the front, as she had at the end of our service, her hand on Evie’s pink and purple, butterfly-covered coffin. Nothing else broke through. I stood when others stood, I sat when others sat. For a while at some point during the pastor’s sermon I cam back long enough to say ‘goodbye’ to a wonderful man, but soon the wall was back and I closed down again.

Even when we were outside, I couldn’t break out of it. I felt confusion, isolation and something that I can only describe as being ‘lost’. We went home and I slowly got back to normal, or at least my new normal. Ever since though, I haven’t been able to focus properly, and have been so tired. Yesterday, I finally gave in to it and took a day’s leave to putter around the garden, walk and chill out. I needed that space after a gruelling few weeks with manic workloads due to the virus and its impact on the 2 charities that I’m running.

There’s a moral to this story. When your body tells you that something isn’t right, listen and do something about it straight away rather than try to plough on.