SSDD?

Wednesday Wisdom

SSDD.  When I was in the RAF we used the ‘phrase ‘SSDD’ to describe those times when little changed – ‘Same Sh*t, Different Day’. I even had a badge with it on, that I kept hidden under my lapel.  That one phrase perfectly describes my new world without Evie. One where no matter what I do, or try, it still feels the same without Evie in it – empty. There are moments when things brighten for a while, the clouds part a little and we can glean some enjoyment from something, but it always ends up the same; me wishing Evie was still here.  The evenings are the worst.  Quiet and lonely; you don’t have to be alone to feel lonely.

The trick now is to find ways of parting the clouds artificially, letting the sunshine through for longer. The weather may be grey outside but we can still help ourselves to put some colour into our lives again. The cork bird boxes have been fun to make and now I am experimenting with Christmas decorations made from Prosecco corks which are larger – I need to figure out a better way of propping them up while the glue dries as they keep sliding off.  Anyone got a competent twelve-year-old I can ask for advice? Preferably one with a Blue Peter badge!

Using the creative side of my brain helps in a number of ways. It makes me focus on what I am doing for a while and during that time, it stops ‘raining’ in my world.  When something actually works, the sun comes out and I can feel a sort of warmth. Evie had the creative gene in our family, it seemed to skip both Pats and I, but every now and then something works well and I feel a smile of approval from Evie.  Although, let’s be honest, she has probably been giggling her head off at my useless attempts for most of the time.  Having started the photography stuff again, that’s two creative routes that I am working on to give my brain a rest.  The writing though is a very different beast. 

Writing fulfils two roles. Firstly, it is sort of creative, although not in the same sense as the cork bird boxes.  I’m not trying or learning a new writing style, nor am I particularly aiming to write a best-seller.  But it is creative in a way. Its main purpose is still to unload, explore and understand. It sits neatly between the head space and the heart space. But it is evolving too. The next book will be much more of a head-space effort, and I have deliberately decided to go down that route.  I’m actually planning things out quite carefully which is pretty rare for me.  

By pulling all of these different things together, I can get a break every now and then, and dip in and out of various activities when I need to.  Evie is never far from my thoughts, but now it feels as if I am doing something with her; I have entered her world in some small way.

So today is still SSDD, but it could morph into something more manageable. More like SSSoTT,DD – Same Sh*t Some of The Time, Different Day.  And that’s a good place to start.