Three Years

Three years ago today, at noon, Evie died. The cancer finally killed her after 13 weeks of struggle. It is as raw in my mind today as it was then, I can remember that morning so clearly, who was there and what we were doing. I haven’t ‘moved on’. I’ll never move on, why would I want to? The more you love, the more you grieve.

I was asked the other day how these milestone days like her birthday and the anniversary of her death felt; were they the same? They aren’t. Milestones like her birthday or Christmas feel empty and have a deep sadness because she’s not here to celebrate or enjoy them. The anniversary of her death is something entirely different. The rawness of the pain of that day returns as sharp and piercing as it was in January 2018. I relive the moment she took her last breath; I can hear it so clearly even now. That memory sits there, in the front of my mind all day. But just like Christmas and her birthday, it is a day that I can’t avoid or hide from. I have to face it down.

As we have done in the past, we will try and do something meaningful today. We will talk about her, remembering the bright light that she was. We will take flowers to her grave and talk to her, telling her what we are doing.

Even now, 3 years later, it still feels like a dream, that it hasn’t happened and she will come trotting back from a school trip. But it isn’t a dream, it is very real. The pain of her death is very real, and I feel it physically too. My chest is tight, a permanent headache, the nausea, the exhaustion.

Today is a day to take slowly, with no expectations, and one that will be over in a few hours. It is a day that will be survived. It is a day when our friends will remember her, light a candle for her and say her name. It is a day when we will continue to find the best way to create a perfect legacy for her. It is a day when Evie’s Gift, the charity that carries her name, will still help other families through some pretty tough times.

You may have died Sweetpea, but I promise you that you will never be forgotten.