The Rubicon 49BC to 2021AD (Or however you write it these days)

Back in those warm and heady days of summer, I stopped taking sertraline. The idea was that I wanted to be able to cope with life’s ups and downs without chemicals blurring the picture. They certainly helped me through some of the worst times, and gave me the capacity to develop coping strategies. The last 5 months have been ‘interesting’ shall we say. No two months have been the same, and having to face the fourth anniversaries surrounding Evie’s cancer without the chemical prop has definitely been a challenge. When the darkness strikes it is a powerful foe. It is darker and longer than before, and can be all-consuming. While I was taking the anti-depressants, I let the wave of pain break over me knowing that, having survived it before, I would do so again. Now it is different. I can’t let it break over me as at this time of year it would be overwhelming. Now I have to stand my ground against it and fight back. I don’t hide from it, or deny it, but I have to put energy and effort into holding by ground as this time of year, and its challenges, are ‘new’ once again.

The clarity that the lack of anti-depressants has brought has reached into all aspects of my life now. It has also brought me the realization that for the last 3 years, the pills have masked so much, like how others take advantage of goodwill, or just rely on your weakness to get their own way. I know that my temper is shorter now, but you know what, it doesn’t matter. I saw a quote on the TCF Facebook page the other day, and I agree wholeheartedly with its sentiments; to paraphrase “ after what I have been through, I don’t owe anyone anything”. A few weeks ago I started to figure out that I don’t like being taken for granted. I was getting grumpy about certain problems in a way that seemed out of balance. Following Eve’s death, I set the bar high for preserving her legacy of helping others no matter what their problems. Working in the Charity sector pretty covers that off in spades. I get to be that person at work, for Evie’s Gift and in my private life. Work has been incredibly busy, and Evie’s Gift is accelerating away like never before. And that’s when the penny dropped. It was just ‘assumed’ that I’d be there to do whatever was necessary, drop everything, place my own needs on hold and jump when called. I have witnessed those with the least money giving so much more of what disposable income they have, while others who can clearly afford it, give little. They argue over a couple of £ for a donated item when the money is needed to support families facing some of the most traumatic times of their lives. Charities that we support seeing us as a commodity to be used without thought or compassion.

Watching as your daughter dies is about as bad an experience as you can get. It places demands on your resilience every single day; in fact every moment of every single day. There are days when I need the support of others just to stay upright. But too often recently that support hasn’t been there. The opposite has been true; I feel like I have had the life sucked out of me. Bled dry by people who use others. To mix a few metaphors, the straw has broken the camel’s back while crossing the Rubicon. It broke mid-stream and now I feel like I’m drowning. The historians amongst you will see the flaw in the metaphor. In 49BC when Julius Caeser crossed the Rubicon with the XIII Legion, it was shallow and easy to cross, so no getting washed away in the torrent. But hey …..

As I see it I have 2 choices, the easy way and start taking sertraline again and let the ‘users’ win the day, or find another path. I have chosen the latter. I’m not sure where this path will lead, but I do know that I am not going to be beaten by anyone or anything. My instinct is to fight back hard, but this time a different approach is required. Change. New ground rules. New me. New future.